A Bad Night
Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 at 1:30 AM


I wonder if anyone really gets over the first person they fall in love with. Maybe if you can look back and say that you weren't right for each other or that it wouldn't have worked out anyway, but I'll never know. What broke us up had nothing to do with us and everything to do with him, and I'm still not over it. I still miss him, close to two months after he decided that we needed to "spend some time apart" and a month-and-a-half after we broke up completely. I think that I might miss him forever, because I'll never know what it would have been like to really be with him. In retrospect, what I thought was our mutual infatuation turning into a comfortable relationship was just us fizzling out. As I was falling in love with him, he was slowly realizing that he couldn't be with me and pulling away. I never even got to tell him how I felt.

I sent him an email on Friday afternoon and am still waiting for a response. It was exactly what I wanted to say to him, honest and yet worded in way that wouldn't scare him, something that I worried about throughout our relationship. I told him that I didn't want to invade his space but I was worried that if I waited for him to make the first move I might never hear from him again. I didn't want to loose him completely like that, and hoped that I'd hear from him when he was ready. I did well all weekend but freaked out tonight. I flew into a rage and obsessively checked and rechecked my email, saying out loud what an asshole I thought he was. Then I finally admitted to myself what was really wrong, that I still miss him, and broke down sobbing on the couch.

Nothing between us will ever be finished unless we were to get back together. When we broke up I got to tell him everything I'd been thinking (except how strongly I felt about him, which seemed pointless to mention at that point) and he said a few things that surprised me as well. I thought I'd get the classic, "I hope we can still be friends" line which, even when completely sincere still hurts like hell, but instead he said that it might not be the end of us being together. I had stopped crying but started again so hard that I could barely tell him I was happy this was something he would consider. He said, "come here," and I cried on his chest. I cried his t-shirt wet during that last hour that we spent together.

When I was still waiting to see what he wanted to do and we hadn't completely broken up yet, I told him that I wanted to wait and see what he decided. I told him that I don't give up on people easily, and I guess the bottom line is that I never really did give up on him. Not as an individual but as someone in my life. I never gave up on the idea of me getting to love him and be with him again, and no matter how much time passes I'm not sure I'll ever give up on that.

I don't think that I can and I don't think that I want to, even though I'll probably never get what I want.


I'm listening to Lizzie West -- Holy Road: Freedom Songs, specifically the song Time to Cry
I'm reading Laurence by France Theoret
I want ... I'm not even going to say it. It sounds too pathetic when I say it out loud.

Previous:
- - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
back yet again - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Batman - Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005