Introspection
Saturday, Jun. 19, 2004 at 2:02 AM


In the immortal words of James Leer from Wonderboys, maybe I'm just a little sad tonight.

I did some soul-searching today, mostly by necessity. Sometimes I underestimate how much I'm capable of shutting down. If there's something bothering me I don't want to think about it, but at the same time can't seem to think of anything else. It's like my mind empties and I'm not even aware of the fact that I'm upset or bothered. That would be a start. Upset I can deal with, that I can figure out, but quietness?

A lot of times I'm not even aware of being sad until I notice that I haven't said two words to contribute to a particular conversation. You talk about what's on your mind, but sometimes there's nothing on my mind and my subconscious fights to keep it that way.

So, I did some soul-searching to figure out my latest bought of quietness and made the realization that my life going well has caused something that I've never had to deal with before: fear of loosing what I have. When I was in the depths of depression I had this inborn feeling that things were going to get better. I'm not sure where it came from and the answer is probably nowhere, it's just the luck of my particular pathology. I also think it's what's separated me from friends of mine who've attempted suicide; they never could look forward to things being better.

At the same time, I took comfort in the fact that things couldn't get any worse. That's why getting arrested made such an impression on me. No matter how bad things had been -- dropping classes, becoming nocturnal, lying to friends and family about how I was actually doing -- getting hauled off in handcuffs at 2am while the acquaintance I was driving home was given a lift by another squad car, that was worse.

Now, it finally feels like I'm above water. I was telling Kelly that it's not very graceful and I still go under occasionally, and probably always will, but I'm up here for the first time.

And I'm absolutely terrified of loosing the things that I've gained. I'm afraid that I'll loose the friends I've made, that I'll have those parts of my life come back again that I was so ashamed of.

It's hard feeling like an impostor and I did that for a really long time. It's also hard to stop, and no matter what my intentions are I'm obviously still learning how to do that. All I can do is try to kick my own ass and hope that the people around me are willing to do the same.

On an entirely different note, I found the Elliott Smith CD I lost months ago and it's as good as I remembered. Figure 8, though melancholy, doesn't make me want to shoot myself the same way that his first album does. Damn, are they ever good though.


I'm listening to Figure 8 -- Elliot Smith
I'm reading The Mists of Avalon
I want a hug

Previous:
- - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
back yet again - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Batman - Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005