I have three classes and an anxiety problem
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2003 at 11:33 a.m.


When people ask what classes I'm taking (or I just imagine them asking and me needing to formulate an answer) I feel like responding, "I'm taking three classes, working part-time and have an anxiety disorder." It's the truthful answer and one which explains why this is what I need to do for a while: go slow. At least, it seems slow compared to the other people at school.

The shit of it is, with only 8 credits of class and 12 hours a week of work, I'm busy! There are street festivals each weekend this month that I want to attend, I have a wedding shower to go to on Sunday (my first, I'm becoming of that age), my brother's birthday, upkeep like psychiatrist appointments and, naturally, work and school. And, I'm actually going to do my homework this year. I want to do the reading. Maybe not freaking out and reading ahead or maybe not even dealing with the stack of books that I want to read for "fun," basically to become a better academic and compete with the grad students, but the actual, assigned reading.

Maybe that's what will separate me from the boy I passed coming back from the bookstore yesterday who was telling his friend he was taking 14 credits: at this point in my life I care more for quality than quantity.

In England, I was telling all this to a friend of mine who's one of my professors. I added that I was hoping to go back full-time at some point and she said that "it sounds like you already have enough dread." She's someone that I'm trying to impress, and was always somewhat embarrassed around because I've felt like such a fuck-up for skipping and dropping classes.

If she supports slowing down, I have to listen. Who am I trying to change myself for, anyway?

And who out there actually gives a rats ass if I do?


I'm listening to mellow Beck mp3s -- currently Brother
I'm reading homework
I want nowhere, I've started updating in the morning

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Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005