halloween and guy problems
Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 at 3:51 p.m.


I don't even know where to start, it's been so long! I guess the most obvious place is Halloween. Kelly's version of the night's events, along with a picture of her fabulous costume, are here. And, I realized how movie stars look like movie stars: fake eyelashes, wigs, and overexposed pictures....

The first half of the evening was spent at the Magic Stick. It went like this: (a) I was amused when Kelly complained that her heals were making her "sashay" down the street, since I think that's a good thing and besides, there wasn't anyone walking behind us, (b) a strange man slapped me on the ass as we passed each other on the sidewalk and he was moving too fast for me to respond beside for yelling at him, (c) we arrived as the last band was finishing up but, (d) made it in time for the awesome haunted house which was a tube that you crawled through in the pitch dark, with the exception of a strobe light at one point. After that, we took off for our mainstay bar, The Bronx.

Here's where things got complicated. I saw my guy. It took me a bit to assure myself that it was him in the dark and of course, he didn't recognize me with my costume. When I went up the first thing he asked was about a job I had tried to set him up with. A friend of mine that I've probably talked to four times this semester has a husband who works at the Medical School, and knew of a Lab Manager job. Apparently said husband has only contacted my guy once in about a month-and-a-half, and from the lack of contact alone it looks like the job has fallen through. Still, every time I see my guy the first thing he asks is if I've heard from my friend. Every time the answer is no, because the one time I had talked to her I called my guy immediately. So, this time I tried to tell him that but I'm pretty sure he didn't hear me.

He was sitting on a barstool and Kelly sat down to his left. Since he looked like he was having a shitty night I stood to his right, hoping we might talk a little. To be fair he was probably drunk, but we said about two words to each other as I stood there. The one thing he did to was complain about how his one good, guy friend had moved away. I understand that I'm never going to serve the same role for him as Peter did and that he missed him, but it got me thinking. A man he knew walked up and as my guy started talking to him about how they should hang out, etc., I gave up and went over to Kelly who moved over a seat so that I could sit between them. My guy stayed long enough to finish his beer. I made a few more abortive attempts at conversation but didn't feel like playing the therapist (as I usually do with people) and ask why he was feeling so terrible.

After he left the mood lightened considerably and Kelly and I ordered some more drinks. We cheered for the two men dancing like idiots in the middle of the bar, trying to synchronize their swaying and turns, and politely ignored the man who introduced himself with a line like "so how are you ladies doing tonight?" A man sat next to me who was in town from Philadelphia visiting an old friend. He was cute and funny and teaches comp-lit at Rutgers, but at this point in my life I'm looking for a date and not a fling so we only talked as he got drunker and drunker and more and more embarrassed about it.

At one point me and Kelly hit the ladies room and I brought up my guy. She said that it was a shame he couldn't even talk to me, no matter what kind of relationship we had, and I had to agree. It finally occurred to me that even though I'm not in love with him, even though I never wanted a boyfriend, to be one half of a couple, I don't think I can sleep with someone and not be their friend. And, he's a shitty friend to me.

Part of the problem is that I've never really opened up to him and, several months into seeing each other, it's hard to start. I haven't told him about my depression and don't talk a lot about myself and I wonder if that's why he doesn't ask. Still, it would be really nice if when we saw each other the first thing he asked was "how are you?" instead of "have you heard from your friend?" If we're going to be friends I have to be able to talk to him, and that means I have to tell him that I'm past the point where I don't hear a word from him for weeks at a time and that's alright. I worry about him; I want to know how he's doing, but I need to feel like he cares how I'm doing, too. He couldn't have known it, but last month when he didn't call me for close to three weeks, and only then once his roommate finally gave him the message that I had called, I was having a really shitty time.

It feels selfish to worry about all this when he's obviously going through the worst time in his adult life, but I want to be there for him, too. He's talked to me before when he needed to vent, but I want to hear about the rest, how he's doing the rest of the time when he's not just bubbling over in the absence of a "guy friend" to talk to. I hope I'm not just adding one more problem on top of his ever-growing heap, but I can't continue sleeping with him feeling like I do and I don't want to stop seeing him. The bottom line is, I think I'd rather be his friend than sleep with him. That doesn't seem like an option, so the point is moot. I keep trying to figure out how I'll bring it up, what it is that I even want. I think I'll start with the concrete, that it felt shitty when he barely acknowledged me at the bar and when I didn't hear from him in so long, even though that used to be fine with me.

I'm really not looking forward to this.


I'm listening to Firewater -- Psychopharmacology which I can't find at Borders, but finally downloaded the entirety of.
I'm reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamont, Nightmare on Main Street: Angels, Sadomasochism, and the Culture of Gothic by Mark Edmundson
I want to be able to talk to my guy and not pussy out before I get my point across

Previous:
- - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
back yet again - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Batman - Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005