Wigged (or is it wigging?)
Thursday, Jun. 12, 2003 at 6:28 p.m.


I wrote an entry that I was rather proud of about two hours ago and of course, poof! When, oh, when will I learn to clipboard my entries before hitting that "done!" button?

I was discussing my general state of fucked-upness and how I'd like to get some help with my schoolwork. Not understanding my homework, just more external structure so that I actually sit down and do it. This is hard for me, having always been really vain about being smart and figuring that help is for dummies. That was probably just a defense mechanism, along the lines of: "If I'm so smart than I should be doing well on my own, but I'm not doing well so that must mean that I'm not smart, but wait everyone tells me that I'm smart so I should be doing well on my own, etc."

I just took a midterm for my Urban Studies class that went very well but, in the process of freaking out and not studying for it, I (1) skipped Spanish, Humanities and Understanding Africa this week and (2) forgot about a meeting for my job which, though somewhat optional, would have included free pizza, and a therapy session. Oops.

There has to be a way to make studying less of a choice for me. I'm better than I used to be about doing my work (in previous semesters I probably would have just skipped the midterm -- no joke!) but I'd like to do better. I think I'm going to have to look over my schedule again and, well, schedule more into it. Like, "from the hours of ___ to ___ I will not leave the library for anything."

The worst part of all this is that I really do love to learn! As soon as I'm sitting down in front of a book... No. As soon as I'm faced with some sort of interesting idea, something that had never occurred to me before, then I'm completely interested. Even with fucking Spanish! It's just hard to get excited about something as intangible as "ideas" before-the-fact when you're dealing with 15 years worth of habit based around an anxiety disorder. When you're programmed to treat homework as this terrible ordeal (which it had been up until I discovered my good friend Buspar) it's hard to counteract that with, "but think of all the great concepts you'll learn!" Fighting the intangible with the intangible is working to an extent, but not as much as I would like.

Ugh, and you know what would probably help? In addition to scheduling my study-time, of course. Getting some fucking exercise. Fuck dignity. Fuck comfort. Fuck inherent laziness.

I'm going to start using the treadmills at the fitness center. It's just too easy for me to spend an entire day asleep!


I'm listening to computers buzz
I'm reading Sugrue's Origins of the Urban Crisis
I want back to bed, back to bed, back to bed, to my midterm, to the UGL

Previous:
- - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
back yet again - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Batman - Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005