Repost: been feeling dark lately, not sure why
Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2004 at 12:18 AM


I'm doing well, a lot better than my last entry. The thing is, it seems like there's something missing in my life right now. Everything's going well but I'm having trouble being happy about it, getting excited about things that I would ordinarily be excited by. I'm obviously depressed but I'm having trouble tracking down the cause.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have no man in my life and I had just gotten used to having that. I wish I wasn't still upset about this, but it's no longer about my ex-boyfriend personally so much as not having someone to share my life with. I was lonely before him and it looks like I still am. There are very few people that I really connect with, that I see on a regular basis and am comfortable enough around to just be. Right now I pretty much just have Kelly and my family and that's it, which blows. I want to date (and have been trawling OKCupid religiously in an effort to do so) but the overall goal is still to.... Well, there's no other way to put this: the overall goal is to not be alone.

I'm a bit fuzzy today on account of the three cosmopolitans I had last night (which were fantastic, by the way). Tomorrow I'll clean and do some organizing. I might be acing my classes and doing well at work but I wish my house looked and felt nicer. The important stuff is fine but I want to start keeping up with things that are for me. I can already tell that I'm feeling better than last week, though, since I've been dressing up more. That's a very girl thing, I know, but it's true. I want men to crane their heads and look at me when I'm coming; I want people to crave me, and that only happens when I'm feeling particularly confident.

Now, if only there was someone that I felt that way about! It's so fucking hard to meet people I'm even remotely attracted to. It's very frustrating, and I'm pretty damn frustrated already (ahem).

I wish I could be more positive for the sake of readability, and I'd even come up with all the good things that are going on that I was going to talk about here but I've been feeling pretty dark lately. Not in an entirely bad way, either. I've been playing this mix-CD that I made last year of all my favorite dark, creepy, bluesy songs and have been loving it. I've been loving the fall weather (I stole the new background color off the weather channel's site), not to mention getting to wear my fall clothing. I've doing a lot of unnecessary shopping on ebay, too. Having a computer and free time at work is terrible! I never used to keep track of ebay like this!!

I'm working on an outfit from Secretary, which I've become obsessed with all over again. I'll post the links to the auctions if I win them, but I've got a perfect copy of this shirt and some fantastic, patent-leather, high heeled mary janes in the works.

If I get everything I'm bidding on and can find a skirt I might have to change my Halloween costume, at least for a private party I'm going to the weekend before. Halloween proper, though, I plan on going out and it's sexy all the way, baby!

Another crazy plan that I've been hatching is this. I haven't officially signed up yet, but I'm getting there. I'll keep you posted!


I'm listening to Lizzie West MP3s
I'm reading Laurence by France Theoret
I want a man in my life

Previous:
- - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
back yet again - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Batman - Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005