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I'm going to break up with him
Tuesday, Jan. 13, 2004 at 7:34 p.m.


I'm leaving the guy. The problem is he doesn't know it yet, and I do feel sort of sorry for him because of that.

We started as a casual relationship, both referring to what we were doing as "having fun," and this was perfect for me. It was a chance to get sexual experience with someone who I could be honest with about just how inexperienced I was before him. Also, I trusted him, and rightly determined early on that he's a genuinely nice guy. During the fall we started seeing each other more often. I don't think either of us planned it, but instead of seeing each other once every two or three weeks we were seeing each other two or three times in a single week. It was really nice, and I began to think that I could open up more to him emotionally.

I have a hard time being honest with people and for whatever reason, had never brought up my problems with depression and anxiety. I suppose I just don't like how those diagnoses sound and this made it difficult to put some of the specific problems that I was having into context. Still, I started making a point in mid fall to be more open. I told my guy that I had dropped a bunch of classes because I was so burned out and that I wasn't happy about it, and that I wanted to get a second part-time job rather than force myself to continue with school. He was consoling and kind, and it felt nice to finally talk to him honestly.

Then in late fall, we started only seeing each other every couple of weeks again. I got him a birthday present in November and, when he didn't have time to see me until close to three weeks after his birthday so that I could give it to him, I suggested that he could call even if we didn't have time to actually see each other. Or, in other words, have sex.

And it seemed like this talk worked because he called to chat on the phone not long after that, but only that once. I had been thinking of asking what I'm told is a common question, namely "what are we?" for a while. The problem was that I wanted us to see more of each other and was worried that he didn't. I wasn't prepared to give up what I did have, sex with someone that I was comfortable with, if I put all my cards on the table. So things were at a stalemate until just before Christmas break. He had warned me before finals that he wouldn't be able to see anyone for about two weeks, which was fine. I waited impatiently through finals week, finally calling him on Saturday since that would have given him a days rest if he'd had a final on Friday, the last day possible. I called his cell phone and asked what he was up to.

"Actually," he said, "I'm in Chicago."

I got off the phone as quickly as possible using monosyllabic responses to his heartfelt wishes for me to have a good vacation. By the time he was getting back I would be in New York with my parents and would be gone all week. I ranted to Kelly and bashed a cabinet with my foot, then tried to put it out of my mind over Christmas. One day I was talking with my Mom and when I tried to characterize our relationship I said, "I'm mad at him but he doesn't know it yet."

He drunk-called me on New Years Eve and after that was sick. The longer we spent apart the less mad I got and the more I thought about simply ending it. The bottom line is, we've never been very compatible conversation-wise. Our time is spent having sex and in deep, philosophical discussion. We've never just hung-out and we've never been out on a date, and even though it would mean an indefinite period of time alone I started fantasizing about meeting someone that I could do these things with.

Last Tuesday I left a message on his cell asking him how he was feeling. On Thursday I left another message saying that I needed to talk to him and that in the meantime, "please leave me a message so I know you're alive." When I was describing my relationship to Danielle while she was visiting this weekend I said, "I'm going to break up with him but he doesn't know it yet."

He called earlier today and talked to Kelly, saying that he'd been in Chicago and hadn't brought his cell phone. I'm not sure I believe it, since I'm pretty sure I saw his bedroom light being both on and off at different times I drove by his apartment. I called him this evening and asked if he had time to talk, and he said that he was in the middle of applications. When he asked me how I was doing I ignored it and asked if he'd be around later in the week. He said yes and I told him I'd talk to him then, and said goodbye.

I don't know what he thinks is happening, or if he even cares. I don't know if we've been seeing so little of each other because he could sense that I wanted a more serious relationship than he did and has been pulling away, or if this is all just a coincidence. All I know is that friends tell each other when they're leaving the state and that if he can't even be a decent friend to me then we have nothing.

I'm definitely ready to go looking for somebody new.


I'm listening to Zero 7 -- Simple Things
I'm reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki
I want to get the job at L'Occitane

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