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Friday, Oct. 03, 2003 at 3:40 p.m.


I've been downloading entire albums off Kazaa.

This is something, by the way, which I had sworn I'd never do. I downloaded the entirety of Soft Bulletin because I couldn't find a hard copy, but did eventually go out and buy one. This is something different, though. This is downloading entire albums by people who I enjoy, mostly for nostalgic reasons, but would never shell out the money for. So far, I have:

Sarah McLachlin -- Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Smashing Pumpkins -- Siamese Dream
Michael Buble -- Michael Buble
Nine Inch Nails -- Downward Spiral
The Pixies -- Doolittle

Sarah McLachlin is someone I would listen to in High School when I was feeling sorry for myself, especially about boys (or the lack thereof). I still use it for that purpose, but also have the happy memory of singing along to "Possession" with a friend while we were packing up to leave Istanbul. I took the high notes.

The Smashing Pumpkins I have memorized though I never owned Siamese Dream myself. My best friend in High School was absolutely obsessed with them and even though I (quite purposefully) don't have much contact with her anymore, it reminds me of the good times.

Michael Buble is the torch singer on the Down With Love soundtrack, and I might actually buy his album at some point if I'm so inclined. Until then I just rationalize that my roommate was planning on burning a copy from the library she works at, anyway.

Nine Inch Nails are just a guilty pleasure. Cool, but not particularly interesting on an artistic level (as opposed to, say, Nick Cave).

And Doolittle by The Pixies I already own. The problem is, I only have it on tape. I'll probably download Nirvana Unplugged for that reason as well at some point. I'm actually listening to Rape Me right now, now that the idea has been planted.

There's something about being a consumer of art (music, books, photographs) that makes being inactive otherwise not seem so horrible. This is a rationalization, I know. Kelly woke me up this afternoon, chastised me for sleeping through yet another class and pointed out that I needed to reintroduce some structure to my daily life before I get too comfortable without it. She is, of course, right, and I knew as much before she mentioned it. This weekend I'll catch up on some chapters in history and start researching my directed study but I think I need to stay out of campus today. It's fucking cold out but I'm being self-indulgent; I know.

This is why I drove my parents insane: my ability to knowingly and gleefully do things that were counterproductive even when faced with supportive people who offered up rational and helpful advice. I'll take it, just not quite yet.

I'm also sort of upset about the guy that I'm seeing, because I'm worried about him and am not sure what I want to do about it yet. He's Indian and because he was screwed out of doing his PhD at the Wayne State Physics Department for some ridiculous and wholly political reasons, has to find a job between now and January or face losing his standing in this country. He tells me about what's going on and how he feels overwhelmed and it's difficult for me to come up with anything that will make him feel better. Maybe I can't make him feel any better, but I wish there was more I could do.

The problem is that our relationship is a bit unconventional. Let me be blunt: we've been sleeping together since mid-summer and that's the main reason we see each other. I go over to his place (next door with a roommate who goes out a lot) and that's the first thing we do when I arrive. Then we talk about life, but I usually don't open up a lot. I feel close to him, but I'm not in love with him and the way our personalities mesh I'm not sure he'll understand someone who's problems are mostly internal. Because I'm not quick to open up to him I feel strange about asking him to open up to me, and since I don't press I'm not sure if I'm getting the full story about what's going on with him.

The thing is, I have a feeling that I am getting the full story about what he's feeling and just don't know what to do about it. I pride myself on being able to help people, and I've been told that I've helped my friends understand things about themselves that they wouldn't have been able to otherwise. This is probably what I like most about myself and to now have someone that I care a lot about and feel unable to help is awful. I don't think he wants my help on a practical level. I happened to tell a friend of mine about him (actually, the one that I sang along to Possession with in our dorm room in Istanbul) and she knew of a job opening through her husband in the Medical School. I told my guy (who has a distinctive name, not to be mentioned here) about it and after a week of stealing himself up to call people he didn't know, followed through with the contact. He was grateful, but said that I didn't have to find a job for him. The first thing I did was tell him that I hadn't done anything, that my friend had, and that it wasn't a problem. If I thought there was anything else I could do for him I would, without hesitation, no matter what he says.

The thing is, I don't know what to do to make him feel better. Usually what I'd do is ask a lot of questions, about his history, family, what he feels this job search says about him and try to find out why he's having trouble coming to terms with it. I just don't know if it's my place or not since I'm not ready to tell him similar things about myself and, our friendship aside, might never be ready to.

Last night he called and I told him I was busy and would see him tonight. I need to make a decision about all this, and by the next time I see him in person. It's hard to want to help someone so badly and not know how.


I'm listening to The Flaming Lips -- Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
I'm reading a couple of things, mostly school related
I want ....

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