musings on scholasticism and circular logic
Thursday, Jun. 05, 2003 at 2:52 p.m.


I was just interviewed and photographed for the Alumni Newsletter, and my bio might also wind up on the English Department Website. Too funny! I've never been good with compliments and I wonder if it's because underneath it all I feel like I deserve to be adored. On the other hand, that might just be covering up a basic lack of self-esteem.... Either way, I never know how I should seem to other people. People, or maybe just women, are not supposed to know when they're smart and accomplished. I'm not supposed to feel justified with praise, especially since I've spent the last three years getting Xs (an "Unofficial Withdrawal") and feeling totally incapable of even the simplest tasks. To top it all off I have to come with some one-liner quote that sums up myself, or at least my experiences at Wayne. I can think of a few, but they wouldn't be very flattering:

"During my career at Wayne I've learned to become very self-reliant since the English Department offers almost no guidance whatsoever."

"I feel very proud having gotten so much out of such a do-it-yourself degree."

"Wow, Professor _______ sure does french kiss well!"

You see my dilemma? I'm sure I'll think of something, and it will be pithy and idiotic and appropriate.

I think I can envision what I'll be like as a professor. I'll be very smart, using big words and referring to complicated theory but interspersing it with swearing and trite crap. I'll expect a lot from my students and they'll probably hate me for it, except for the few who will understand that expecting a lot from someone means that you think that they are capable of a lot. I'll write on the board and ask questions that I expect my students to answer fearlessly, even if those answers are ridiculously wrong.

And I'll wear red lipstick. And a mini-skirt.

Maybe what I'm really worried about is being well-liked. I mean, if everyone likes you then you must be really bland, right? The people that I enjoy are the ones who challenge me for whatever reason. Who are comfortable in their own skin and don't take anyone's shit. Especially not mine, which I can fling around to degree that scares myself sometimes.

Isn't that interesting? I'm truly obsessed with being heard and especially with being understood, and what I really worry about is that people will listen to me too much. Groucho Marx wouldn't belong to any group that would have him as a member; nothing convinces me that I'm wrong more than when everyone around me agrees with what I'm saying. It must mean that I'm not actually saying anything, or at least anything that produces an affect. So maybe I just want to leave a lasting impression, and you can't do that by being relatable.

Whether or not you can do that by being well-liked... I guess only time will tell.


I'm listening to The Very Best of Cesaria Evora
I'm reading ...............
I want to work, where I currently am

Previous:
- - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
back yet again - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Batman - Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
Just fucking around today - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
pre-birthday - Saturday, Apr. 30, 2005